"It was a fine cry- loud and long- but it had no bottom and it had no top, just circles and circles of sorrow." -Toni Morrison
In the days after Ollie passed, many well-meaning people in my life told me my pain will get better with time. Those days were such a haze. Later that week, I met a fellow angel Mom and she told me something completely different. "The pain you're feeling will never go away, but you'll learn to live in spite of it." Woah. I'm going to have to deal with this pain forever!? And, in that moment, I made my decision... I would FEEL my grief... I would embrace it, explore it, carry it with me. My grief was a part of me now and I had to build my life around it. I chose peace, hope, love, and light, and wasn't going to stop until I reached my destination. But, this wasn't going to be an easy trip. I have a very long journey ahead of me.
I Just want him back... I want him back SO badly that it hurts... I YEARN for him... It's more than crying... it's wailing... the wail of a grieving mother... I can feel the hollowness inside... I feel empty inside, but so heavy on the outside... I can't stand up... I can't move my arms... The weights of grief are so heavy... Maybe this is too heavy for me... My chest feels like it's caving in from all the weight and I can't breathe... The ebb of grief.
It was 3 months yesterday... I wish I could say that the pain is a little less than it was the day Ollie passed, but it's not. It's just different. Sometimes it actually hurts a little more with each day, one more day that I haven't held him. It is nice to know that 3 months have passed since his death, and I still manage to love him more with each day, just like when he was alive. And, I've also learned to appreciate things I didn't notice before... Today, I'm so thankful for Maddie and the beautiful day we were able to spend almost completely outside. We found these gorgeous purple flowers on our walk today. I may be going through the most horrible experience most people could imagine, but I have the most wonderful thing in the world to balance that... My sweet, happy, healthy Maddie. We love you, Ollie ❤️
On January 3, 2013, my 1 yr old son, Ollie, passed away. That's where my life "before Ollie" ends and my grief journey begins... My new normal, my path toward healing, my life "after Ollie". I'm a grieving mother who believes in hope. This is my story.